To the Person Who Doesn’t Like Asking for Support

Let me tell you a story.

Do you remember Brian Dunkleman? The original co-host of American Idol? The guy who started with Ryan Seacrest?

Okay, I didn’t either.

Back in 2002, Brian Dunkleman was just another actor looking to catch his big break when he was hired to co-host the first season of American Idol. Overnight, his life changed. He was making $18,000 a week hosting a show that would quickly become America’s obsession.

However, he let his ego get in the way. Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity, he thought the work was beneath him. He didn’t like that he had to stick to some cheesy script. He continuously challenged producers and became difficult to work with. When he heard rumors that they wanted to fire him, he quit.

As a result, Brian was essentially blacklisted in Hollywood. While the rest of the American Idol crew became wildly famous, he struggled to find work and sunk into a deep depression.

Fast forward to today, 17 years later. Brian lives in a one bedroom apartment and drives for Uber. One decision had changed the entire trajectory of his life.

Why am I talking about Brian Dunkleman? Because he was recently featured on Alex Rodriguez’s new show on CNBC called Back in the Game. A show that depicts A-Rod mentoring former actors/athletes who’ve fallen on hard times. Brian’s episode really touched my heart.

In between self-deprecating humor, he was totally vulnerable about the pain he’d suffered in the years following American Idol. Sitting on his couch with A-Rod, he shared how he was going through a messy divorce, struggling to make ends meet and feeling totally humiliated driving for Uber. Through teary eyes, he admitted what keeps him going is the desire to support his son.

After the episode, I felt compelled to send Brian an encouraging message. When I found his Instagram, I was surprised to find that he only had about 400 followers and not many photos. His most recent post was from that evening, captioned: #GRATEFUL.

It was a video of him giving thanks for all of the amazing outreach he’d received as a result of the show. As I scrolled through the comments, I felt emotional.

My heart warmed as I witnessed the kindness of human beings. The way we’re able to recognize pain in another person and feel the urge to make them feel better. It got me thinking, why are we so afraid of letting ourselves be helped?

There’s something so beautifully human in sharing our pain and allowing others to support us.

Doing It All Alone Doesn’t Make You a Hero

“Support your friends, listen to their ideas. Go to their events. Buy what they’re selling when you can. Share their posts. Celebrate in their victories and remind them of their importance after their failures. Push them. A little support can go a very long way.”

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We can’t go it alone, you know that, right?

“I’m an independent woman, I don’t need anyone.”

“Trust no one.”

“I can’t rely on anyone but myself.”

These are phrases we hear all the time. And sometimes, I too, like to pretend I’ve got it all figured out. I’d rather be the person giving advice than the person receiving it. Needing advice and support makes me feel weak. Like I’m somehow failing.

Except, if you’ve read up on vulnerability, you already know that allowing yourself to be supported is actually a courageous thing to do. To read more on vulnerability, check out this in-depth post I wrote a few months back.

Sure, it feels safer to rely only on yourself because you’re avoiding the possibility of people letting you down. But in reality, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. You’re missing the opportunity to deeply connect with another person, which is one of our greatest needs as human beings.

What do the longest-living, happiest people on earth all have in common? Meaningful relationships in their lives.

People they can always count on. Someone they can call in the middle of the night. Friends they feel comfortable asking for advice, crying with, leaning on.

Who are your people? Who do you call when you get good news? When you feel worried? When you need to vent?

These people are so, so valuable to our lives and our general well-being. Yet, we take our friendships for granted sometimes. We get wrapped up in our own lives and prioritize what’s most comfortable for us. We get flaky, self-centered, “too busy”.

I know, I know. Life happens. There are often seasons of life where we’ve got so much going on that it feels like an added chore to somehow add time for friendships in there, too.

Do yourself a favor, though. Find a way to make the time. We need people to lift us up, cheer us on, give us hope. If you forget to honor the friendships you have in your life, you’re not only hurting them, you’re hurting yourself.

Eating a Slice of Humble Pie

In the spirit of vulnerability, let me share something with ya. Sometimes I get insecure about my writing. I’ll get in this headspace where I’m like why am I doing all this? What’s the point? Who even cares?

Which, when I take a step back, I know that’s ridiculous. I know why I’m doing it. Because I love it. Because I want to help others and, heck, I know I’ve helped at least a few.

In any case, I second guess myself sometimes. And the other week was just one of those low points for me. I was feeling weird and negative and a little discouraged.

So, as much as it pained me and made me feel totally embarrassed, I shared my feelings with a few of my friends, to which they responded with love, support, and encouragement. They gave me fresh ideas and new connections.

After a few conversations, I felt refreshed and revitalized. Their belief in me breathed life into my spirit and I was ready to keep going.

Then, one afternoon, a few days after opening up to my friends, I checked my email. To my surprise, I had an email from Thought Catalog that said, “Your article went live!” My whole body was shaking as I clicked on the link.

Oh my gosh, I’m a published writer!

With trembling hands, I texted my friends and family to share the news. A few of them had just heard my worries a few days prior. “See, I told you to keep going!” and “I’m so proud of you, Alissa!” were some of the responses I received.

Because they’d gotten a glimpse at the pain and self-doubt I’d been experiencing, it almost made the celebration sweeter. I felt like I was running a race with the most important people in my life cheering me on from the sidelines; jumping up and down, high-fiving each other, shouting encouragement into the wind.

Fondly I realized, we’re in this together. I can’t do it all alone.

On days we feel weak, we need people who love us to pick us up, dust us off, and push us to keep going. Some days, the one thing we need is the belief of a loved one to breathe life back into us. And when we do experience those wins, it’s so much more rewarding to celebrate with other people than all by ourselves.

Where, in your life, could you be supported?

With love,

Alissa