This Is How I Learned To Be Resilient When Life Challenges Me

I grew up in a small town in Minnesota where I learned resilience at a young age.

My upbringing included sub-zero winters so cold, it hurt; puffy coats that cramped my style; and trick-or-treating in 40-degree weather. As a teenager, I spent Friday nights in open fields around raging bonfires. I pretended to enjoy drinking Coors Light while I dangled my legs off the tailgate and sang along to Kenny Chesney.

Those years were some of the best and hardest of my life.

When I was 22, I moved to California. I went from small-town life with not much to do, to having the world at my fingertips. The air was salty and warm. People were smiley and fit. They wore flip flops in January. In-N-Out Burger was no longer a distant fantasy. Palm trees swayed in the breeze. Were there ever clouds in the sky? Birds chirped year-round.

I was living in the most beautiful, magical land. ‘I’m so lucky!’ I’d think as I cautiously cruised down the 405, still getting the hang of four lanes on the freeway. Yet people would complain. It made me angry. ‘Are you kidding me? We’re so lucky!’ I’d think as I struggled to bite my tongue.

“Ugh, it’s so chilly today,” they’d say on 60-degree-days.

“There’s like, nothing to do this weekend,” they’d say over the sound of the Pacific Ocean.

I couldn’t believe it! ‘Am I naive? Am I missing something here?’ I’d wonder. I often wanted to say, “You guys, it’s five degrees in Minnesota right now! Suck it up!” Sometimes I did say that, which usually made them sheepish and say, “Oh my gosh, I could never handle that.”

Over time, I learned that growing up with less-than-perfect circumstances was actually a blessing. I noticed that I really appreciated nice weather and that I got really excited about little things, like having a Chick-Fil-A down the road from me. I was thankful for the resilience and gratitude I had gained from my Minnesotan upbringing.

Except, I had no emotional resiliency. Like, at all.

Sure, I was resilient when it came to boring Friday nights and crappy weather. Come on, guys, let’s make the best of it! But when it came to emotional issues or stress? I crumbled. I had no resiliency. I was like a feather in the wind. I floated around in whichever direction the emotional winds decided to blow. My flexible, adaptive nature was both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

I remember when this boy I was “so in love with” got a new girlfriend. It shattered the world as I knew it. Heartbreak happens to the best of us and it happened to me. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think about anything else. I texted everyone I knew, “She isn’t better than me, is she?” I was obsessed.

When it came to stressful situations, I didn’t have healthy coping skills. My emotional world needed to be just so or else I’d fall apart. As an adult, I’d sometimes smoke cigarettes to ease the anxiety, or drink a little too much Franzia. I’d do anything I could just to silence the worries in my mind. I’d text friends, call my mom; I prayed someone could say the magic words to snap me out of it.

Frankly, over the years, I was an internal mess. So much so, that my body eventually had enough of it and became very sick. My body was tired of being put through the wringer of stress and anxiety. “Take care of me!” she begged. My gut was inflamed; my hair was falling out; I was exhausted.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. My gut issues were my saving grace. When I got sick, I had no choice but to buckle up, face my issues, and learn how to be strong. No one was going to come and save me; no one else could fix it for me. I had to learn how to trust myself.

The most successful people are resilient.

I firmly believe that one of the most valuable skills in life is resiliency. When I think of resiliency, I think of famous women I admire, like Gabby Bernstein, Barbara Cochran, Liz Gilbert, Glennon Doyle. When I think of these women, I think badass.

I think of how they didn’t have their lives perfectly paved for them. I think of how they’ve dealt with difficult situations — betrayal, trauma, addiction, yet, they don’t make excuses about it. Hell no! They write books, speak to audiences, and build empires. Resiliency. Strength. It makes for a good story, right?

When I was navigating my digestive issues, I decided that was the type of woman I wanted to be. I wanted to be the type of woman who faced challenges with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. I wanted to be the type of woman who got up every morning, gave it her best, and really trusted herself. I channeled my inner Minnesotan and decided I was going to be tough; not only in the face of bad weather but in the face of challenging experiences.

And look, when I say tough, I don’t mean “unfeeling” or adverse to negative emotions. When I say tough, I mean: willing to handle hard situations, feel difficult emotions, and still continue to give life my best shot every single day. I decided that I can deal with challenging shit and still be okay. In fact, I can thrive. Not only can I learn and grow from my hard times, but I can help others do that, too.

I can do hard things.

My digestive issues prepared me for battle. I spent years living in less-than-perfect conditions. I ate squash fries from a Ziploc while my friends drank champagne and ate nachos. I threw up in the bathroom at work and then continued on with my day. I can deal with difficult situations.

By the time the coronavirus hit, I’d been prepared for years. I knew very well how to deal with hard times. I’d never dealt with a pandemic before, but I had experienced sadness, frustration, sickness, betrayal. And I’d survived it! I was still here, doing okay, waking up every morning, and giving my best.

I can do hard things. I can navigate difficult times. I will be okay.

These words have become my internal mantra. As life has happened and things haven’t gone according to my plan, I remind myself of these truths. I remind myself of the times I’ve shown up messy; the times I’ve asked for help; the times I dug deep and found that inner strength. I remind myself of how I’ve always come out of hard times stronger, better, and with more compassion.

With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, I get through all challenges that are thrown my way. I can do hard things. I can do hard things. I can do hard things. So can you.

With so much love,

Alissa