Know Your Worth. My Journey to Break a Cycle of Toxic Relationships.

This is one of my favorite photos of Matt and I.

Christmas 2017, he surprised me with a trip to Catalina Island to celebrate our two year anniversary the following month. Catalina is one of California’s channel islands; about a 30-minute boat ride from the Orange County coast..

And yes, it’s where they had the Catalina Wine Mixer in Step Brothers.

For two days, we ran around Catalina like two kids in a candy store. We went zip-lining, saw Marilyn Monroe’s childhood home, drank buffalo milk (a signature alcoholic beverage on the island), and just enjoyed each other’s company.

I remember being in shock that he’d surprise me with a gift like that. Like, why are you so nice to me?!

It’s still hard to wrap my head around sometimes. A person just loving me and wanting to do nice things for me. I’d never really experienced it before.

Like many others, my road to finding true love was often windy and a bit treacherous at times.

My Story

I was insecure in high school and college.

Like most girls that age, I was just trying to figure myself out. I hadn’t learned how to love and accept myself yet. What made me feel good or bad about myself relied heavily upon how other people felt about me.

Because I was insecure, I had a tendency to be needy in relationships. I often needed reassurance from whoever I was dating that he still wanted to be with me. I needed validation that he wouldn’t leave me, get bored of me, find someone better.

At the time, I didn’t know why I was this way. I didn’t really give much thought to it, to be honest. I simply existed in a state of anxiety much of the time and relied on the person I was with to speak the right words. As if they were a drug to relax me.

In retrospect, this stemmed from low self-worth. I was guilty of letting all of my worth be dependent upon someone else loving me. If they didn’t want to be with me, that meant I wasn’t good enough.

Bottom line.

I have to be perfect. I have to be around all the time so he doesn’t forget about me. I have to be the prettiest or else he’ll find someone better.

We’ve all had life experiences that completely changed the way we think.

Where the Toxic Cycle Began

When I was 14, I got my first boyfriend. We’ll call him Chris.

I was so excited this cool, older guy was actually interested in me. He had a reputation for being kind of a bad boy, so naturally, I thought I’d be the perfect nice girl for him.

Oh, my poor young heart.

Our first date was dinner at McDonald’s and then to see a movie at the local theater. I was on top of the world as we trudged through the snow to go see Happy Feet. I remember feeling like such a cool teenager.

I had a boyfriend!

I was young and naive. He was nice to me for a few weeks, called every night to talk, and then…. silence.

My first taste of anxiety over waiting for a boy to call.

On Valentine’s Day, his friend called to break up with me for him.

It’s stupid but I still remember sitting at the computer desk at my best friend Jenna’s house when he said, “Chris’ feelings have changed and he wants to break up.”

Seriously, it was like a month-long relationship but I was devastated. It was my first boyfriend! I was embarrassed and my first reaction was that something was wrong with me.

Again, I was naive. Chris told me he still wanted to be friends and I agreed because I wanted to be around him. You know the deal where you stay friends and hope they’ll change their mind about you.

We were “friends” but he treated me like crap. He’d be horribly mean to me on AOL Instant Messenger, then nice the next day. He’d tell me he liked my friends and wanted me to set him up with them. It pained me inside but for whatever ridiculous reason, I wanted him to like me.

I wish I could’ve shaken myself, but I had to learn the hard way.

Eventually, I moved on.

Reaffirming My Insecurities

The next guy I dated was also older and seemed like such a nice guy. After a couple months, though, he cheated on me. That one really messed with my head because he seemed so genuinely nice.

Like, now how can I tell who’s actually good or not?

Playing it Safe to Avoid Pain

Then, I had a really nice boyfriend who I dated for the remainder of my high school years. He was one person who calmed a lot of my anxieties because I felt safe with him. We were best buds.

Once I got to college, though, I broke things off. I knew in my heart that a big part of why I was with him was because it was safe and he wouldn’t hurt me. But I knew there wasn’t a future with us.

The Final Lesson Learned

I think a broken part of me still craved the tumultuous chase of dating someone who wasn’t so certain. It’s like I wanted to see if now I was good enough to change the bad boy.

I mean, I wasn’t cognitively aware of it, at all. But in retrospect, I think that’s what subconsciously led me to my next relationship.

Sometimes you have to be handed the same lesson over and over again, until you learn it.

In college, I met someone who was the opposite of my high school boyfriend. Not safe or certain, at all.

I dated this person for a few years and allowed him to take up so much space in my head. The ever-changing state of our relationship determined my mood and happiness. I can see now that I was codependent.

Like any toxic relationship, there were the good times that kept me on the hook. But it was a relationship riddled with lies, cheating, and disrespect. It wasn’t uncommon for a cell phone to be thrown at a wall or a Friday night to end in tears.

He’d often make fun of me in front of our friends which left me paralyzed. If I stand up for myself, I’ll cause a fight in front of everyone. If I don’t say anything, I’ll look like a weak pushover.

It was embarrassing. It broke my spirit and ultimately my self-worth.

The timeline of our relationship was marked with, “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but did you hear what he did last weekend?”

My stomach would sink. I’d be shaky with anxiety. Yet I’d allow it again and again.

I had no healthy coping mechanisms. I’d buy Swisher Sweets from the gas station, drive to Lake Menomin, and smoke outside of my car to relax.

I mean, what? I’m not a smoker! But it brought out the worst in me.

If I’m a little more perfect, it won’t happen again. If I’m around all the time, I’ll be able to control the situation.

A Fresh Start

If I’m being honest, part of my desire to move to California was to start fresh and get away from that toxic cycle.

I’d been weak for so long and didn’t like the person I’d become.

In California, I was far away and free as a bird. I had very little interest in dating. I was sick of putting myself through that cycle. My trust in men was just about zero.

That distrust solidified when the first guy I dated in California turned out to have a girlfriend. We’d only gone on maybe five dates, but as soon as I discovered this information, I was gone.

Nope, not repeating that nasty cycle. I immediately called him out and never spoke to him again.

I was proud of myself and at this point, completely disgusted with anyone who behaved in that manner. I just wouldn’t tolerate it. I didn’t have time, space, or energy for it.

Moving to California alone built a self-confidence that I’d never had before. It planted the seed of personal growth inside of me. I built a life all on my own. I made friends. I had a career. I paid rent for a bungalow on the beach. I was capable of so much more than I realized.

My year or so of being single taught me that I was just fine on my own. In fact, I was great on my own. I learned that I’m strong, independent, kind, and smart.

I started to understand that anyone who dated me was damn lucky.

Yep, I decided that was the truth about me. And once I did, my view on dating changed. I didn’t need anyone unless he complemented my life.

Ending the Cycle

Weeks before my one year anniversary of living in California, I met Matt. We met on a dating app and our first date was dinner at a restaurant called 370 Common.

As soon as I walked into the restaurant and locked eyes with him, I knew he was it. It sounds crazy but I just had this sense right away that he was the one. And I thank God every day that I met him. I really do.

He’s hilarious, smart, caring, thoughtful, and simply the best person I know.

We’ve each had our own windy journeys to find one another. Neither of us had it perfect or easy. But we had the experiences we needed to have in order to become the right people for each other.

Despite the confidence I’d started to gain in my year of being single, I was still terrified of letting my guard down after being hurt in the past.

And, bless his heart, Matt stayed by my side even when my insecurities and anxieties were revealed. Because, despite my best efforts, sometimes my neediness and worries would rear their ugly heads. He stayed patient. He didn’t judge me.

My past hurts weren’t Matt’s issue to deal with but he continued to show up for me as a loyal, loving pillar in my life.

It took me a long time to understand that he really just loved me. And he really was going to be here for me.

It doesn’t matter if some days I don’t wear any makeup or that I’m not the greatest cook. I can go away for a weekend without any worry. He’s got my back and I’ve got his.

Our relationship is a safe place. With Matt, I’ve been able to shed that neediness and desire for constant reassurance. I’m secure in our relationship and in myself.

Because we feel safe in our relationship, we have the freedom to grow into our best selves. Excess energy isn’t gone into worrying about what the other is doing or trying to make up from tumultuous fights all the time.

No, of course we’re not perfect. We have our arguments and crabby days. But at the end of the day, our relationship feels like home to me.

We support one another in being independent and having our own interests. We’re able to grow as individuals, as well as together.

When I first started writing this post, it was supposed to be about being independent from your partner. But as I started writing, the question begging to be answered was, “why was I afraid to be independent before?” which birthed this post.

When a post flows out of me so easily, I always feel like it was something I was meant to share.

Recounting my past in this way was so eye-opening that I’d encourage you to do the same. Nothing fancy, just make a timeline. If you’re single, it may give you a glimpse at a dating pattern you’re repeating yourself. If you’re in a relationship, it may give you clarity as to why you get so upset about certain things and what you may still be holding onto.

As I’ve written before, our most difficult times bring us the most beautiful growth. I experienced this pain for a reason. It taught me what I needed and deserved in a relationship. I’m thankful for those experiences because they made me a stronger woman and a better partner today.

With love,

Alissa