I’m Alissa and I’m a Recovering People Pleaser

People Pleaser could’ve been my middle name. I’m a people pleaser! I just like to make people happy. I thought there was nothing wrong with it. Until I realized how much anxiety it was causing me. Sure, it feels good to make people happy. Especially the people we’re closest to. But are you trying to make everyone happy? And for what reason? So they like you? That is a losing battle, my friend.

I was the queen of escalating ridiculous scenarios in my head. If one of my girlfriends asked me to go to a concert and I couldn’t make it, maybe I already had plans with my boyfriend or didn’t want to spend the money, in my head it became the end of the world. She’s probably mad at me now and won’t ever want to hang out again. Now all my friends are going to hang out without me and think I’m a loser for not coming.

Like, really? I was afraid to define my own life because I, unconsciously, let my worth depend on how others felt about me. I tried to minimize the amount of times I ever had to say no so that I was available at everyone’s beck and call. God forbid I had to face the nightmare of letting someone down. What a waste. I have great friends. I highly doubt they were thinking any of those crazy things about me. It was all my insecurity talking.

Here’s the thing. If you want to live life on your terms and do big things, you have to get used to upsetting people sometimes. It’s naturally going to happen while in pursuit of your goals. It’s going to happen when you have priorities in your life that you’re firm about. You aren’t always going to be available to everyone all the time, and thank goodness for that! No apologies needed.

My People Pleasing Recovery Process

When I started my corporate internship, I was a 22-year-old on a mission. I came in with so much fire and desire to impress because I was there from Minnesota. I only had ten weeks to show them why they should hire me. This job was my ticket to California and I wanted it with everything in my bones. With that being said, I worked my ass off. I said yes to every opportunity and task, I asked what I could do to help out. And it worked! They hired me at the end of my internship.

Here’s where it got a little uncomfortable. One of the girls training me had been with the company for a couple years and was very comfortable in her position. So much so, that my desire to work really hard started to outshine her years of experience. They ended up shifting some of her job responsibilities to me. I later got promoted to a higher position before she did.

This made me feel incredibly guilty. I felt like I came in there and just stomped on some other girl’s career. Remember? I’m a people pleaser. We went from being office friends to her avoiding my gaze and speaking one word sentences to me. I had to tell myself, though, that it was fair and square. I never came in and set my sights on hurting anyone else. I came in with the sole intention to work hard and do my best. So, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t proud of myself. I was! As much as I felt guilty, I also knew I deserved it.

You know what? You’re not going to be able to please everyone. Ever. What would’ve been an even bigger tragedy is if I had come in and not done my best just to make sure she didn’t feel uncomfortable. This scenario was an invitation to start feeling okay with not pleasing everyone.

This goes for so many other aspects of life. Are you afraid to start your dream business because you’re worried about what people think? Are you scared of telling your friends “no” to Saturday mimosas because you want to work out instead? Are you nervous about wearing that risque dress because you’re afraid people will think you’re trying too hard?

Here’s what I, a recovering People Pleaser, say: LIVE YOUR LIFE! If people judge, they judge. Then what happens? They have a thought about you? So. Freaking. What.

As Rachel Hollis quotes her therapist, “Someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business.”

That phrase brings so much freedom. A big sigh of relief. Any time you find yourself worrying what people may be thinking, bring that back to mind. Someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business.

I say this with conviction because it’s painful to live for other people. We’re working against our true nature when we suppress ourselves to make people around us feel okay. You know what’s empowering as hell? Doing what you want. Going after your dreams. Trying your best. That is a sure way to build confidence in yourself. It means you’re taking control of your life instead of playing victim.

Life’s most fulfilling moments often come from being uncomfortable first. Doing something challenging. Saying no, even if your voice shakes. If you haven’t read my post about getting uncomfortable, I think it’s a great complement to this one.

Do you struggle with being a people pleaser?

With love,

Alissa