Battling the Beast: A Raw Glimpse into an Anxious Mind

My body is one big heartbeat right now. I can feel every.single.beat. It’s like a big, heavy boot stomping down hard in my chest, vibrating my whole body. My hands are tingly; my arms shaky. I only exist in a tiny, dark box of anxiety. Everything I see and feel right now is through a lens of anxiety. Nothing is safe. Nothing is okay. Taking a deep breath is so much effort, like I’m trying to trudge through mud that’s replaced the oxygen in my lungs.

When I’m in this state, I’m scared. My mind is a dark, foreign place that’s in constant search of finding something wrong. You’re never going to feel normal again. Are you sure they aren’t lying to you? Something is very wrong with you. When my body feels off, my mind follows suit. Or maybe it’s my mind feeling off, making my body feel this way. Throughout it all, I keep asking myself, am I going to feel like this forever? That thought alone causes a wave of tightness to steamroll my chest.

Anxiety is a real, terrifying monster when she makes her attack. You know when you have a cold and you’re like dang, I should’ve appreciated all the times I could breathe out of my nose. Anxiety feels like that to me. I should’ve appreciated all the times I felt happy and safe.

I’m in the thick of it today and I wanted to share because:

A) I know others can relate.

B) If you don’t have anxiety, this can give you a look at what it’s like for the people in your life who do suffer from it.

When my thoughts are racing and the world feels scary, all I want is to soothe myself. I’m like a scared child, just craving safety and comfort. However, when I’m in this state, it’s hard for me to remember how to make myself feel good. Which is ironic, given the fact that I’ve written a whole post about it.

But when I’m on high alert, my mind jumbled with fears, my body shaky, I’m just trying to survive. It’s like I’m at the bottom of a deep hole with a ladder and I can’t remember how to climb it. That’s when I use my lifeline and reach out to someone who cares about me.

That’s so, so important to my mental well-being. Reaching out when I’m not feeling good. I’m reminded time and time again, that people are happy to help you. Swallow your pride and reach out. Don’t try to go through it alone.

Today, reaching out to my mom, my boyfriend, one of my best friends, and a girlfriend at work was what I needed to feel better. Like I said, don’t be afraid to lean on people. What are friends and family for if not to help you out some days?

• My mom offered up, “Why don’t you write about how you’re feeling? That usually helps you.”

• My boyfriend responded to my anxious text by giving me a phone call to check in and make sure I’m okay.

• My best friend said, “drink lots of water, be good to yourself, know it’ll pass.” She listened to, or rather, read, my anxious thoughts as they whirled out of my head and into our Google chat.

• My girlfriend at work came by with the most delicious, soothing tea and asked me to get lunch with her to keep me busy.

People do care. Don’t be afraid to speak up when you’re feeling low. There’s no prize for muscling through everything yourself.

To combat frequent anxiety attacks, take a look at what may have caused it. Talk it out if that helps you. It helps me!  It’s a way to separate yourself from the beast and remember that it won’t be there forever. There were likely some factors that came together and brewed this storm inside of you. For me, it was being off my normal schedule and consuming too many sugary cocktails over the weekend. Though I had a blast with my friends, I’m super sensitive, so my body can be easily thrown off.

If you’re ever feeling anxious or depressed, please know that you can always reach out to me. When you’re down in the scary depths, I’m happy to be your lifeline. It may feel like you’ll never get out, but you can. I promise. Though I’m not feeling 100% better yet, writing this post and reaching out to my lifelines has created space again in my chest. I can breathe. My body feels more at ease. I’m going to be okay.

With love,

Alissa